Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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