How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
