I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
