at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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