I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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