I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
