Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
