my shit smells like andre
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
