You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize