so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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