Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
