Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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