I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
