i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
