You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
