I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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