I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
