It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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