I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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