he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize