I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
