I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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