I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
