So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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