I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
