8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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