dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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