I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
