Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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