you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
