So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
