Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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