You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
