moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
