EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize