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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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