I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
