he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
These tits shall not be calmed
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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