went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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