How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize