At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
