i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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