Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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