Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
