Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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