I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
