he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
