Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
