He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
