Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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