I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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