i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
