I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
