Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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