I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
