Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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