I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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