yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
there is puke in my bra ... again
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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