Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
