Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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