my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
