What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize