Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
