my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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