There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
