Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
