Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
