the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
