remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
