Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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