Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
