omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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