I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
