You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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